So, yesterday morning I was walking through the corridors at work and came up to the printer area. Low and behold, the printer was getting repaired, and the guy that was fixin’ it up is a major cutie. For a slightly heavier guy he is sweeeet. Nice light blue eyes, tanned skin, very short hair (I guess it could have been shaved), a blue golf style t-shirt, blue baseball cap, and brown corduroy pants that highlighted his nice, nice ass. Plus, he’s around my height, too.

I could barely take my eyes off of him. I came up with all sorts of excuses to travel past or near the printer. He would be a total hottie if he lost some of his pudge, but then again I could say the same thing about myself. OMG, what a nice ass! I think he caught me checking him out. His name is Kirkland.

I love Spring. There were a couple of guys jogging in the park without their shirts on. Stan was also out at lunch. He took off on his bike, but before he did that I was able to scope out his tremendously beautiful legs and shapely ass in his shorts. Oh man! He has more thighs than a bucket of chicken (spank me, I know it was bad). Damn, I wanted to be his bike seat.

It’s the beginning of hottie season. Exactly where do they go in Winter? I wonder. Mmmm…

I stumbled across a great blog the other day. It’s from a really cool guy. He’s 40, totally buff (ex-army), hot, honest about who he is, and really smart to boot. Some of his ideas and thoughts on the world are right on the ball. Plus, he loves music, and not just one style either. His tastes are all over the place, I really dig that. Everything about him is sexy, and not just his bod.

I’ve read so much of his blog, but I’m not even close to being finished. He does this really interesting thing; sometimes he blogs on video or mp3. Most of his video blogs are done shirtless, boy does he have huge nipples. I want to latch myself to them.

He also has AIDS.

Being a lonely gay guy in this city/province, I don’t get out that often. Therefore I don’t meet a lot of people. I’ve met and known other gay people, but none that I call my friends. Not even close. So, I have never known anyone with HIV or AIDS. What a stereotypical thing to say. My bad.

While I was reading his blog, I realized that I know very little about these diseases and viruses. Our educational system doesn’t do a very good job tackling these issues. Now, say in your Smokey Bear voice “Only you can prevent pregnancy. Only you can prevent genital warts. Only you can prevent the spread of viruses.”

It’s no wonder the amount of HIV and AIDS cases had been climbing in the last several years. Kids need to know what HIV and AIDS does to someone, and not just how it is contracted. If people really knew what someone with AIDS really goes through, I’m sure that they’d be scared shitless to have sex without a condom. It has to presented honestly and without censor. It can’t be glossed over. Show the frail bodies, show the lesions, show the tubes and machines, show the sunken eyes, show the last breath.

GeekSlut’s blog has opened my eyes a lot. I can’t begin to fathom what he’s been going through for the last decade. Over the years, he’s been really sick and unhealthy. When originally diagnosed the doctor’s told him that he would be dead within a year. That was like 10 years ago.

I don’t know how to say this properly with the respect it needs, but he’s taken control of his body and hasn’t let AIDS beat him. Not a lot of people can say that. He’s been through some very agonizing times, but to look at him, you wouldn’t know it (unless you knew what to look for). Sure he has scars, but I didn’t notice them right away, I was really drawn to his power eyes. They hold a lot of experience, pain, hurt, love (yeah, it’s there), and lust.

The only thing that kind of scares me about this dude, it that he’s a total slut. He’ll basically fuck anything that crosses his path. I’m sure he’s safe with HIV- guys, but he’s so unsafe with poz’s. I don’t like that. I mean, what the fuck is up with that! I’d love to have him pound me, but as long as I knew it was safe. He doesn’t use condoms, unless he has to. And a lot of the times, it’s not hoo-hum-up-my-bum kind of sex either, he’s into pretty raunchy kink. He actually goes out looking to hook up with other poz guys just so they don’t have to use condoms. I really don’t like that, but my reaction could just be my lack of education or understanding of AIDS. But still, it seems so wrong.

At least he’s in touch with his very strong sexual side and identity. He knows who he is, and won’t let anyone tell him otherwise.

I know nothing about this guy, except what he’s presented to the world through his blog. I’ve kind of fallen for him, and I’m beginning to really like this guy, but the AIDS thing really scares me. It’s supposed to scare me. Whatever. It’s not like I’ll ever meet him.

I’ll continue to admire him from afar.

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My Current Favourite Dish: GeekSlut, scary but really sexy. Jesse Palmer, the guy from the Bachelor, is pretty hot too.
Current Addiction: Nifty is losing out to GUBA, but I don’t think it’ll lose out.
In the DVD Player: Nothing in the DVD player, but I’ve been into Sinead O’Connor’s “Year of the Horse” concert I have on Laser Disc.
In the CD Player: Immortal Beloved soundtrack. Fur Elise is totally amazing, as is Moonlight Sonata. I love Beethoven.
On the Tube: Las Vegas season finale was pretty good. I actually cried. Cried! For a TV show! I don’t want anything to happen to Danny.

I love being gay.

Actually, I should say I love being me. You don’t know how hard it is to say that about myself. I’ve struggled so long with self-esteem issues that I don’t know any other way to feel about my “self”. I’ve hated me for so long. I get down on me so hard. At least I used to. During the last seven years or so, I’ve been gaining confidence. I’m very overweight, I’m short, I’m a member of a minority. Actually, I’m a member of a couple of minorities. I’m a short, fat, gay Metis man. The only thing I’m missing is some sort of disability. Now, if I can only get hit by a bus. That would be a grand slam home run.

I suppose if I tried harder I could take control of the weight issue. I haven’t lost any weight since xMas time, but I haven’t gained any either. I have to get up and motivated. What will help motivate me? Pictures of hard bodied men on my wall? Wishing I was them? Wanting to be them? Fuck it, I just want them. Period.

It’s tough growing up gay (in the back of the closet) in a repressive environment and community. I started gaining weight when I was in high school. By the time I graduated I was 180 pounds, and for my height (or lack thereof) I knew I was FAT, not just a bit overweight, but FAT. 12 years after I graduated I peaked at 272 pounds. Between July and xMas of last year, I had lost 40 pounds, but nothing since then. I gotta get moving.

The gay issue was another thing. It’s hard to be gay and fat. No guy wants to hook up with you when you’re fat. No one can see beyond the blubber. They can’t see that you’re a good person, that you have feelings, and that you need some lovin’ too. I just can’t go out to the gay bar looking to hook up. In a lot of ways, the gay scene is just as repressive/oppressive as childhood was. If you don’t look a certain way, no one will even bother with you. I want to be bothered with!

I had a problem with being gay for a long time, up until I came out to my family six years ago. It’s a comfort thing. I feel comfortable, more now than ever before. For me, my family’s acceptance of me being gay showed me that the world didn’t end.

Actually I’m not gay. I’m just me. I hate labels. They’ve haunted and tormented me throughout my entire childhood and a lot of my adult life. I tossed them out the window when I came out. Although I love having sex with men, and sex with women completely turns me off, I don’t consider myself different from anyone else. I love sex, I brag about when it happens, I drive a very cool vehicle. I also breathe. It all comes down to who I want to have sex with, that’s all. Big Fuckin’ deal, right! Whatever.

I love the idea of my existence pissing a lot of people off. Not all people, mind you, just a large percentage of politicians, religious leaders, and rednecks (and in this part of the country, there’s a disproportionate amount of rednecks per capita), but even more so in the USA. I guess I’m just lumping together a lot of unthinking, somewhat uneducated, totally repressed and repressive people. Does that make me bad? Like I care.

I also like the fact that getting my ass plowed every now and then is illegal in a lot of places on this planet. Some punishable by death. For wanting cock? Oh my God, shame on me!

The benefits go on…

Think of it this way, if you’re straight and you go to the washroom you wouldn’t normally get turned on by the other people in the washroom. But this won’t happen if you’re gay.

Last summer while at a football game (the Riders lost, stupid Riders) I had to take a piss majorly bad. I normally don’t like using public facilities, but I really had to go (I was drinking and needed release). I was really nervous going into this situation. It was half-time and every other guy in the stadium had to piss too. I thought to myself “How the fuck am I going to do this without seeming gay?” They just know, don’t they?

I finally get to a urinal, unzip and pull out. Being slightly drunk, I needed to place a hand on the wall to steady myself. While I’m looking down to keep from peeing on myself, I glace sideways. The view was breathtaking. I forgot how wonderful it is to see a bunch of dicks just hangin’ out (it’s been a while since highschool, and therefore, it’s been a while since gym class). I quickly remembered that I’m gay and in a not-so-gay-friendly place. At least I didn’t run from the bathroom, it would have been more obvious.

When I went up to hang with a couple of my cousins and my sister, there was this guy my cousin, Becky, was talking to. He was pretty cute, wearing board shorts, a baseball cap and had his shirt off showing off his muscles (or what could eventually become muscles, if he only went to the gym more often). He was pretty drunk and very touchy-feely. I kinda liked this guy, even though he was a bit loud. We laughed at him and he laughed, but not really knowing that we were laughing at him and not with him. When he left to find his friends, he heartedly shook my hand and gave me a “straight guy” hug, with a pat on the back and his hard nipples trying to pierce my chest. Wow. That was nice. I watched his butt move and flex as he walked away. Back to the game.

There’s a couple of guys in the office that I think are good looking. They don’t think twice when I enter the washroom. They piss, I piss, we all piss. Business as usual. I don’t look at them, even though I want to, badly I might add. I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me. At least I get to see their backs when they’re standing at the urinal and listen to their piss hitting the porcelain. Nice! That and the sounds of zippers being undone and done up, the fumblings of getting clothing maneuvered out of the way, and of course the grunts and moans that all men make when they let loose a stream of gold.

Ah, the joys of being a fag.

ps: I’ll go onto my fag rant at a later time. Geez, these last couple of entries are long. What’s up with that?

(Note to self: build a piss room at home.)

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My Current Favourite Dish: Pat Tillman, the world will always miss a major hottie like you to roam around providing iCandy for all to enjoy. Also, David Beckham’s been popping me up a lot recently.
Current Addiction: Nifty is still a major addiction, but I recently renewed my membership to GUBA. Oh, how I’ve missed GUBA!
In the DVD Player: Just finished watching “The Two Towers” again yesterday. Waiting for “Return of the King” to hit the shelves next week.
In the CD Player: Been relying heavily on my mp3 collection. Music sucks ass, and not in a good way.
On the Tube: TV still sucks ass, also not in a good way. How lame was Survivor: All Stars. At least Las Vegas is still on the air. Tonight’s the season finale, I’ll have to watch. Josh Duhamel is such a major turn on.

I can’t believe that it’s already the middle of May, and we haven’t had a really nice Spring day yet. Apparently today is supposed to go to 20 with possible thundershowers, and tomorrow a high of 26. It’s about time.

I’ve decided to go back to school in the fall. I am thinking of going into the Department of English and get my degree in that, and then get my Master’s degree and teach at the university. I was on campus the other day picking up a calendar of courses and I realized how much I missed being there. And the major hotties there didn’t hurt my decision to go back, there’ll be more to look at in the fall. I can’t wait to go back to school. I haven’t made it official at work yet. I think I’ll leave that to the very last minute to cause confusion and watch a couple of people to run around like chickens with their heads cut off. It will be fun.

I was telling Kristi of my plan to go back to school, she said if I became a teacher I couldn’t date my students. Who said anything about dating? I’ll grade on the curve.

Today is May 17th, 2004. It will be a historic day in the U.S. of A. The first batch of legal marriages between gays and lesbians are happening right now. Massachusetts has started their first day as a fully free and equal state, allowing gay people to legally wed. They’re the first state in America to do so. They have gone right up to the full level of marriage, and didn’t think of stopping at civil unions (whatever that is). Rock on Mass! Maybe I’ll visit you some day just to gawk at the hot frat boys at the Commons.

Up here in Canada, Ontario, British Columbia, and Quebec are the only provinces that have legalized gay marriage. I’m still waiting for my province to join that rank. Now I only need to find a husband. Any takers???

I spotted a total hottie dropping off his little kid at the neighbor’s place this morning. Wearing an “oldie-but-goodie” outfit: baseball cap, white t-shirt tucked into a pair of blue jeans, and they weren’t baggy either! I really wanted to run and get my camera, who knows when I’ll spy him again. Blonde, blue eyed. Sweet!!! I didn’t know I could drive a semi.

Speaking of hot guys, Pat Tillman’s been on my mind a lot since I first heard of his death a few weeks ago. He’s one of the very few guys who could pull of having long hair and still be hot. At least he got rid of it when he went Pro. He looked amazing in his football uniform, too. I’m not really crazy about the army/fatigues look he had adopted or the fact that he died fighting in a useless war. Not only was this guy amazing good looking, he was pretty damn smart and totally down-to-earth. I wish I could have known him in person. Maybe he wouldn’t have married some chick out for his dick, and possible huge bank account.

Fuck Bush!!! How many hotties have to die to make him feel good about not destroying the world quickly enough? Tillman gave up millions in the NFL to fight for American “freedom” and died making sure the USA didn’t fall under the pressure of the Middle East’s plot to take over the world. I guess he loved his country too much, his only downfall that I know of. At least he didn’t die old and leave behind a harem of ex-wives and abandoned kids, or some really bad drug addiction, slapping cocktail waitress’s asses in Vegas. He died young and will always remain young and hot in my eyes. I want to have his baby. I know I can never get pregnant, but at least the practice would have been really nice. Taking a load up the ass doesn’t lead to pregnancy, listen to your Sex Ed teachers. They’re right sometimes. So all you kids out there having sex, but don’t want to get pregnant, take it up the ass. Besides it feels really good.

Anyway, that’s my rant on Bush and Pat Tillman’s hotness. I’ve been all over the place today. I guess I’m not too focused right now.

ps: there were a few hotties at the funeral for Jada’s mom. Also, Morgan looked really, really goooooood in a suit.

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My Current Favourite Dish: Pat Tillman, the world will always miss a major hottie like you to roam around providing iCandy for all to enjoy. Also, David Beckham’s been popping me up a lot recently.
Current Addiction: Nifty is still a major addiction, but I recently renewed my membership to GUBA. Oh, how I’ve missed GUBA!
In the DVD Player: Just finished watching “The Two Towers” again yesterday. Waiting for “Return of the King” to hit the shelves next week.
In the CD Player: Been relying heavily on my mp3 collection. Music sucks ass, and not in a good way.
On the Tube: TV still sucks ass, also not in a good way. How lame was Survivor: All Stars. At least Las Vegas is still on the air. Tonight’s the season finale, I’ll have to watch. Josh Duhamel is such a major turn on.

Last night, the mother of a good friend of mine died. I found out this morning. Here is a copy of the e-mail I sent to my friends:

Hey Guy,

I have some words of wisdom (or lack thereof). Share this with Jada if you want.

If you guys need any help whatsoever let me know. I have some experience with funeral arrangements and such, I guess you could say that my family owns major stock in the funeral business in this province. I know this is going to be hard on Jada, you, and her family, and they’ll need support and help, not only coming to terms with the grief, but with dealing with funeral arrangements. It’s very expensive and there are things that can be done without having the funeral home do it. They charge an arm and a leg for everything, and for some reason it doesn’t feel personal enough. I don’t know if they want to do some of the planning on their own, but it’s worth it in more ways than one. Let Jada know that the funeral home doesn’t need to do everything. It’s a business and that’s how it’s operated, and a lot of the time people don’t realize how expensive and cold it feels when all is said and done. Besides, for me, it feels good to do something that memorializes and makes tribute to someone you love.

Although I haven’t met Jada’s mom, I’m still sad. Death in someone’s family who’s close to me hits me a little hard even if I’ve never met the person. I’ve seen too much death, and I haven’t gotten over some deaths. I don’t think anyone can fully get over losing someone they love (even if they didn’t know how much they loved the person). The grieving process is a very long one. My mom’s mom died when my mom was 17. I wasn’t even born yet (I didn’t arrive until three years later), so I didn’t know her of course. But my mom is still grieving the death of her mom, it’s been 34 years. Her death hit my mom very hard and it has affected me and my sister and how we deal with death and love in our family, and probably affected how we were raised when we were growing up. We’re a miserable, depressed family. We try not to show it to the world, but it’s there and being ignored as usual.

For a long time, grieving wasn’t talked about, it wasn’t shared, it was bottled inside. That’s how I learned to deal with grief until after my aunt’s death. I felt guilty for not loving my aunt enough, not letting her know how much she influenced me and my artisty side. I kept it bottled up for a year and had a major panic attack at an award ceremony. You know I hadn’t painted for a very long time until several months ago. I couldn’t bring myself to paint after my aunt’s death. I am taking apart the walls I built up after her death, but they’re still standing for the most part.

I know my mom feels guilty about not being there for my aunt, and blames herself for her suicide. I have tried to convince her that it would have happened even if she did intervene. It’s gotten to the point where we don’t even talk about it anymore. Whenever we mention my aunt or my uncle (the one who died in a car accident when we were at school), no one can talk about them without tears forming or falling.

I going to generalize for a moment: even though someone has died and you won’t get a chance to talk to them again, to tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you, there are ways to let them know. I remember my aunt’s funeral. We had laid out some of her things on a table for people to look at. They were little things like her art supplies, some of her artwork, photos, and I had made a CD of songs that reminded me of her and played it at the family gathering after the service. We saw this as a celebration of her life and not just a passing of her life. We even laughed during the funeral service.

Sorry for dumping on you, I had to let some of this out I guess. I don’t know if any of this applies to what Jada will be going through, but I know some of what she is going through, and I thought I would share my experience with you and her. I want you both to know I love you and want to help in any way I can.

Give Jada a big hug for me. Tell her I love her and I am here for her if she needs me. I’ll do it too the next time I see her. I can bring over something to eat when you guys get hungry. She’ll probably forget to eat or munch on something. But the hunger will set in, and you guys will probably be too tired to make anything. Let people care for you for a little while. Right now it’s your job to take care of each other.

Listen to her, hug her, kiss her, cuddle her, touch her, caress her, bathe her, make love to her. She’ll need some affirmation of life while going through this. Don’t forget, you’re going through this with her, too.

Let her cry on your shoulder, let her scream, let her be quiet, let her smoke, let her tell stories, let her tell of the bad times, let her be moody, let her be upset, let her be sad, let her smile, let her laugh, let her know that she is loved.

Whatever you do, Dude, don’t tell her how to deal with any of this, just be there for her. She’ll scratch your fucking eyes out if you do.

I love you. I love Jada.

Call me later. If I’m not home call me on my cell.