Last night, the mother of a good friend of mine died. I found out this morning. Here is a copy of the e-mail I sent to my friends:

Hey Guy,

I have some words of wisdom (or lack thereof). Share this with Jada if you want.

If you guys need any help whatsoever let me know. I have some experience with funeral arrangements and such, I guess you could say that my family owns major stock in the funeral business in this province. I know this is going to be hard on Jada, you, and her family, and they’ll need support and help, not only coming to terms with the grief, but with dealing with funeral arrangements. It’s very expensive and there are things that can be done without having the funeral home do it. They charge an arm and a leg for everything, and for some reason it doesn’t feel personal enough. I don’t know if they want to do some of the planning on their own, but it’s worth it in more ways than one. Let Jada know that the funeral home doesn’t need to do everything. It’s a business and that’s how it’s operated, and a lot of the time people don’t realize how expensive and cold it feels when all is said and done. Besides, for me, it feels good to do something that memorializes and makes tribute to someone you love.

Although I haven’t met Jada’s mom, I’m still sad. Death in someone’s family who’s close to me hits me a little hard even if I’ve never met the person. I’ve seen too much death, and I haven’t gotten over some deaths. I don’t think anyone can fully get over losing someone they love (even if they didn’t know how much they loved the person). The grieving process is a very long one. My mom’s mom died when my mom was 17. I wasn’t even born yet (I didn’t arrive until three years later), so I didn’t know her of course. But my mom is still grieving the death of her mom, it’s been 34 years. Her death hit my mom very hard and it has affected me and my sister and how we deal with death and love in our family, and probably affected how we were raised when we were growing up. We’re a miserable, depressed family. We try not to show it to the world, but it’s there and being ignored as usual.

For a long time, grieving wasn’t talked about, it wasn’t shared, it was bottled inside. That’s how I learned to deal with grief until after my aunt’s death. I felt guilty for not loving my aunt enough, not letting her know how much she influenced me and my artisty side. I kept it bottled up for a year and had a major panic attack at an award ceremony. You know I hadn’t painted for a very long time until several months ago. I couldn’t bring myself to paint after my aunt’s death. I am taking apart the walls I built up after her death, but they’re still standing for the most part.

I know my mom feels guilty about not being there for my aunt, and blames herself for her suicide. I have tried to convince her that it would have happened even if she did intervene. It’s gotten to the point where we don’t even talk about it anymore. Whenever we mention my aunt or my uncle (the one who died in a car accident when we were at school), no one can talk about them without tears forming or falling.

I going to generalize for a moment: even though someone has died and you won’t get a chance to talk to them again, to tell them how much you love them and how much they mean to you, there are ways to let them know. I remember my aunt’s funeral. We had laid out some of her things on a table for people to look at. They were little things like her art supplies, some of her artwork, photos, and I had made a CD of songs that reminded me of her and played it at the family gathering after the service. We saw this as a celebration of her life and not just a passing of her life. We even laughed during the funeral service.

Sorry for dumping on you, I had to let some of this out I guess. I don’t know if any of this applies to what Jada will be going through, but I know some of what she is going through, and I thought I would share my experience with you and her. I want you both to know I love you and want to help in any way I can.

Give Jada a big hug for me. Tell her I love her and I am here for her if she needs me. I’ll do it too the next time I see her. I can bring over something to eat when you guys get hungry. She’ll probably forget to eat or munch on something. But the hunger will set in, and you guys will probably be too tired to make anything. Let people care for you for a little while. Right now it’s your job to take care of each other.

Listen to her, hug her, kiss her, cuddle her, touch her, caress her, bathe her, make love to her. She’ll need some affirmation of life while going through this. Don’t forget, you’re going through this with her, too.

Let her cry on your shoulder, let her scream, let her be quiet, let her smoke, let her tell stories, let her tell of the bad times, let her be moody, let her be upset, let her be sad, let her smile, let her laugh, let her know that she is loved.

Whatever you do, Dude, don’t tell her how to deal with any of this, just be there for her. She’ll scratch your fucking eyes out if you do.

I love you. I love Jada.

Call me later. If I’m not home call me on my cell.