I love being gay.

Actually, I should say I love being me. You don’t know how hard it is to say that about myself. I’ve struggled so long with self-esteem issues that I don’t know any other way to feel about my “self”. I’ve hated me for so long. I get down on me so hard. At least I used to. During the last seven years or so, I’ve been gaining confidence. I’m very overweight, I’m short, I’m a member of a minority. Actually, I’m a member of a couple of minorities. I’m a short, fat, gay Metis man. The only thing I’m missing is some sort of disability. Now, if I can only get hit by a bus. That would be a grand slam home run.

I suppose if I tried harder I could take control of the weight issue. I haven’t lost any weight since xMas time, but I haven’t gained any either. I have to get up and motivated. What will help motivate me? Pictures of hard bodied men on my wall? Wishing I was them? Wanting to be them? Fuck it, I just want them. Period.

It’s tough growing up gay (in the back of the closet) in a repressive environment and community. I started gaining weight when I was in high school. By the time I graduated I was 180 pounds, and for my height (or lack thereof) I knew I was FAT, not just a bit overweight, but FAT. 12 years after I graduated I peaked at 272 pounds. Between July and xMas of last year, I had lost 40 pounds, but nothing since then. I gotta get moving.

The gay issue was another thing. It’s hard to be gay and fat. No guy wants to hook up with you when you’re fat. No one can see beyond the blubber. They can’t see that you’re a good person, that you have feelings, and that you need some lovin’ too. I just can’t go out to the gay bar looking to hook up. In a lot of ways, the gay scene is just as repressive/oppressive as childhood was. If you don’t look a certain way, no one will even bother with you. I want to be bothered with!

I had a problem with being gay for a long time, up until I came out to my family six years ago. It’s a comfort thing. I feel comfortable, more now than ever before. For me, my family’s acceptance of me being gay showed me that the world didn’t end.

Actually I’m not gay. I’m just me. I hate labels. They’ve haunted and tormented me throughout my entire childhood and a lot of my adult life. I tossed them out the window when I came out. Although I love having sex with men, and sex with women completely turns me off, I don’t consider myself different from anyone else. I love sex, I brag about when it happens, I drive a very cool vehicle. I also breathe. It all comes down to who I want to have sex with, that’s all. Big Fuckin’ deal, right! Whatever.

I love the idea of my existence pissing a lot of people off. Not all people, mind you, just a large percentage of politicians, religious leaders, and rednecks (and in this part of the country, there’s a disproportionate amount of rednecks per capita), but even more so in the USA. I guess I’m just lumping together a lot of unthinking, somewhat uneducated, totally repressed and repressive people. Does that make me bad? Like I care.

I also like the fact that getting my ass plowed every now and then is illegal in a lot of places on this planet. Some punishable by death. For wanting cock? Oh my God, shame on me!

The benefits go on…

Think of it this way, if you’re straight and you go to the washroom you wouldn’t normally get turned on by the other people in the washroom. But this won’t happen if you’re gay.

Last summer while at a football game (the Riders lost, stupid Riders) I had to take a piss majorly bad. I normally don’t like using public facilities, but I really had to go (I was drinking and needed release). I was really nervous going into this situation. It was half-time and every other guy in the stadium had to piss too. I thought to myself “How the fuck am I going to do this without seeming gay?” They just know, don’t they?

I finally get to a urinal, unzip and pull out. Being slightly drunk, I needed to place a hand on the wall to steady myself. While I’m looking down to keep from peeing on myself, I glace sideways. The view was breathtaking. I forgot how wonderful it is to see a bunch of dicks just hangin’ out (it’s been a while since highschool, and therefore, it’s been a while since gym class). I quickly remembered that I’m gay and in a not-so-gay-friendly place. At least I didn’t run from the bathroom, it would have been more obvious.

When I went up to hang with a couple of my cousins and my sister, there was this guy my cousin, Becky, was talking to. He was pretty cute, wearing board shorts, a baseball cap and had his shirt off showing off his muscles (or what could eventually become muscles, if he only went to the gym more often). He was pretty drunk and very touchy-feely. I kinda liked this guy, even though he was a bit loud. We laughed at him and he laughed, but not really knowing that we were laughing at him and not with him. When he left to find his friends, he heartedly shook my hand and gave me a “straight guy” hug, with a pat on the back and his hard nipples trying to pierce my chest. Wow. That was nice. I watched his butt move and flex as he walked away. Back to the game.

There’s a couple of guys in the office that I think are good looking. They don’t think twice when I enter the washroom. They piss, I piss, we all piss. Business as usual. I don’t look at them, even though I want to, badly I might add. I don’t want anyone to feel uncomfortable around me. At least I get to see their backs when they’re standing at the urinal and listen to their piss hitting the porcelain. Nice! That and the sounds of zippers being undone and done up, the fumblings of getting clothing maneuvered out of the way, and of course the grunts and moans that all men make when they let loose a stream of gold.

Ah, the joys of being a fag.

ps: I’ll go onto my fag rant at a later time. Geez, these last couple of entries are long. What’s up with that?

(Note to self: build a piss room at home.)

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My Current Favourite Dish: Pat Tillman, the world will always miss a major hottie like you to roam around providing iCandy for all to enjoy. Also, David Beckham’s been popping me up a lot recently.
Current Addiction: Nifty is still a major addiction, but I recently renewed my membership to GUBA. Oh, how I’ve missed GUBA!
In the DVD Player: Just finished watching “The Two Towers” again yesterday. Waiting for “Return of the King” to hit the shelves next week.
In the CD Player: Been relying heavily on my mp3 collection. Music sucks ass, and not in a good way.
On the Tube: TV still sucks ass, also not in a good way. How lame was Survivor: All Stars. At least Las Vegas is still on the air. Tonight’s the season finale, I’ll have to watch. Josh Duhamel is such a major turn on.